A brief post on disobeying one's parents. The context is that I am Asian-American and grew up in a culture that had a strong respect for your elders stemming from Confucian ideas of filial piety. I also grew up in an environment that emphasized a shame / guilt culture, in which one would bring dishonor to the family for bad behavior / choices. I remember in my childhood that I heard the phrase "What will other people think if..." a lot. For example, if I acted rudely toward my parents in public, I was scolded, not necessarily for simply being rude, but for how bad I made them look in front of others.
[Aside: In my opinion, one of the great challenges for second-generation Asian-American Christians is loosening this shame culture specifically when it comes to confession and community. If weakness and failings are something to be ashamed of and hidden, it inhibits the process of transparency, confession, forgiveness and growth. It hinders authentic relationships. And it contributes to a host of other problems. One major area that comes to mind is treatment of mental illness. It may be true that white American kids are over-medicated. But it's probably true that Asian-American kids are under-medicated because some of them never get a chance to confront their issues directly and openly.]
After my one year minimum commitment in banking ended in July 2011, I began seriously thinking about quitting. Over time, I realized that it was difficult to do a job search while doing banking, so I might need to just quit without another job lined up. My wife and I had already discussed this, but I also wanted to begin to tell my parents my line of reasoning. First, my parents were extremely disappointed that I would be voluntarily giving up a lucrative, prestigious job. They were ashamed that I would be temporarily dependent on my wife's income, ashamed of how this would look to my in-laws. The flip side of shame culture, of course, is pride culture. So they also said stuff like, "Do you know how many people are envious of your position? Why would you give that up?" Once they realized that I was adamant about quitting, they implored me not to quit without something else lined up. I have a wife and child. It's harder to find a job once you're unemployed. Very legitimate concerns. I promised them that I would try, but as the months went by and work got even busier, I realized that this was impossible for me. By the time late fall rolled around, I decided that I'd suck it up and stay until I got my annual bonus in February 2012, then quit right afterwards. No use quitting having accrued 10-12 months of bonus and ditching it. (In banking, the bonus is a MAJOR part of your income, not just a 5-10% thing.) So this is what I did. Eventually, in February, I quit my job without anything lined up.
Why did I have such a hard time disobeying my parents? I was an adult after all. I moved out from under their roof when I left for college. Well, first, I knew it would cause them a lot of pain and disappointment. They were really proud of me working for a great company and having a great job. Second, I knew how much they sacrificed for me and my success. Quitting would sort of be like me throwing away everything they worked so hard for. Third, I really love them, and wanted to honor them. This came from me being a Christian. So, I really wanted to find a way to love and honor my parents, even as I wanted to quit my job.
So how was I able to finally pull the trigger and reconcile these thoughts? Two things. First, I was more and more convinced of the sentiment that Steve Jobs mentioned in another part of his Stanford Commencement address in 2005 when he said, "Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life." But this still felt selfish to me. But the second reason was much more helpful to me than the first. In January 2012, I heard a very timely sermon from Tim Keller on Ephesians 6 titled "Work and Family" in which he mentioned one aspect of a healthy relationship between children and parents.
For me, most of the time when I listen to a sermon or study the Bible or read a Christian book or pray or sing - most of the time I worship - I come away feeling only slightly different. I come away thinking "That was nice", "cool", "interesting" etc. No major changes. But about 1-3 times a year, I come away profoundly changed or deeply moved or really convicted or really enlightened. Why does it not happen more often? Probably some unequal mix of me being sinful and my general temperament. Anyway, I found something Keller said that day so insightful and so personally relevant and timely, that I don't think I'll ever forget it. It was one of those moments.
What he said was that as Christians, we are all called to honor our parents. But as adults, we do not have to obey them. The command to obey your parents is only given to children. Keller proceeded to frame the difference. He said that even if you have absolutely horrible parents, God calls you to honor and respect them. But on the flip side, even with great parents, you need to sometimes disobey them, because God calls you to grow up and be independent of them. Some of us are controlled by our parents because they were so bad, we want to completely rebel and have nothing to do with them. But others of us are controlled by our parents because their approval is so important to us that we're still essentially dependent on them. So God calls us to honor our parents, not always obey them. I had probably known about this distinction before, but hearing it then, it felt like I had heard it for the first time.
Anyway, this distinction gave me the framework to communicate with my parents. I wanted them to know that I heard everything they said. I genuinely listened to their concerns. I really respected them and thought through my decision for a long time. And ultimately I decided to go my own way. It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty. But we do still have a very functioning parent-son relationship. And I think when they look back, they will see a son who grew up and honored them, even as I disobeyed them.
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