A brief post on disobeying one's parents. The context is that I am Asian-American and grew up in a culture that had a strong respect for your elders stemming from Confucian ideas of filial piety. I also grew up in an environment that emphasized a shame / guilt culture, in which one would bring dishonor to the family for bad behavior / choices. I remember in my childhood that I heard the phrase "What will other people think if..." a lot. For example, if I acted rudely toward my parents in public, I was scolded, not necessarily for simply being rude, but for how bad I made them look in front of others.
[Aside: In my opinion, one of the great challenges for second-generation Asian-American Christians is loosening this shame culture specifically when it comes to confession and community. If weakness and failings are something to be ashamed of and hidden, it inhibits the process of transparency, confession, forgiveness and growth. It hinders authentic relationships. And it contributes to a host of other problems. One major area that comes to mind is treatment of mental illness. It may be true that white American kids are over-medicated. But it's probably true that Asian-American kids are under-medicated because some of them never get a chance to confront their issues directly and openly.]
After my one year minimum commitment in banking ended in July 2011, I began seriously thinking about quitting. Over time, I realized that it was difficult to do a job search while doing banking, so I might need to just quit without another job lined up. My wife and I had already discussed this, but I also wanted to begin to tell my parents my line of reasoning. First, my parents were extremely disappointed that I would be voluntarily giving up a lucrative, prestigious job. They were ashamed that I would be temporarily dependent on my wife's income, ashamed of how this would look to my in-laws. The flip side of shame culture, of course, is pride culture. So they also said stuff like, "Do you know how many people are envious of your position? Why would you give that up?" Once they realized that I was adamant about quitting, they implored me not to quit without something else lined up. I have a wife and child. It's harder to find a job once you're unemployed. Very legitimate concerns. I promised them that I would try, but as the months went by and work got even busier, I realized that this was impossible for me. By the time late fall rolled around, I decided that I'd suck it up and stay until I got my annual bonus in February 2012, then quit right afterwards. No use quitting having accrued 10-12 months of bonus and ditching it. (In banking, the bonus is a MAJOR part of your income, not just a 5-10% thing.) So this is what I did. Eventually, in February, I quit my job without anything lined up.
Why did I have such a hard time disobeying my parents? I was an adult after all. I moved out from under their roof when I left for college. Well, first, I knew it would cause them a lot of pain and disappointment. They were really proud of me working for a great company and having a great job. Second, I knew how much they sacrificed for me and my success. Quitting would sort of be like me throwing away everything they worked so hard for. Third, I really love them, and wanted to honor them. This came from me being a Christian. So, I really wanted to find a way to love and honor my parents, even as I wanted to quit my job.
So how was I able to finally pull the trigger and reconcile these thoughts? Two things. First, I was more and more convinced of the sentiment that Steve Jobs mentioned in another part of his Stanford Commencement address in 2005 when he said, "Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life." But this still felt selfish to me. But the second reason was much more helpful to me than the first. In January 2012, I heard a very timely sermon from Tim Keller on Ephesians 6 titled "Work and Family" in which he mentioned one aspect of a healthy relationship between children and parents.
For me, most of the time when I listen to a sermon or study the Bible or read a Christian book or pray or sing - most of the time I worship - I come away feeling only slightly different. I come away thinking "That was nice", "cool", "interesting" etc. No major changes. But about 1-3 times a year, I come away profoundly changed or deeply moved or really convicted or really enlightened. Why does it not happen more often? Probably some unequal mix of me being sinful and my general temperament. Anyway, I found something Keller said that day so insightful and so personally relevant and timely, that I don't think I'll ever forget it. It was one of those moments.
What he said was that as Christians, we are all called to honor our parents. But as adults, we do not have to obey them. The command to obey your parents is only given to children. Keller proceeded to frame the difference. He said that even if you have absolutely horrible parents, God calls you to honor and respect them. But on the flip side, even with great parents, you need to sometimes disobey them, because God calls you to grow up and be independent of them. Some of us are controlled by our parents because they were so bad, we want to completely rebel and have nothing to do with them. But others of us are controlled by our parents because their approval is so important to us that we're still essentially dependent on them. So God calls us to honor our parents, not always obey them. I had probably known about this distinction before, but hearing it then, it felt like I had heard it for the first time.
Anyway, this distinction gave me the framework to communicate with my parents. I wanted them to know that I heard everything they said. I genuinely listened to their concerns. I really respected them and thought through my decision for a long time. And ultimately I decided to go my own way. It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty. But we do still have a very functioning parent-son relationship. And I think when they look back, they will see a son who grew up and honored them, even as I disobeyed them.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Providential Timing
I want to tell a brief story about providential timing. But before I do, I want to first make a separate point. I think it's presumptuous to think too highly of a job that I haven't even started yet. I would never say that this position is my "dream job". It's too soon, too optimistic to say such things. And, it's not in my personality to speak in such superlatives. But, on paper, theoretically, I think it presents an intriguing possibility for me. About a year ago, when I went through the exercise of listing out a random list of things I'm passionate about, I wrote down things like: sports, technology, learning new things, solving problems, and sharing ideas. When I went through the strength finder's exercise, I found out that some of my strengths are: learner (developing an expertise), and input (acquiring new information). This job would address these strengths and passions. So, as I was six months ago when I started my temp position, I am "cautiously optimistic" that this will be a good opportunity for me.
Story #1 on providential timing: Several things had to happen for me to get the temp position in August 2012. First, after quitting my job in February 2012, I had to be lazy enough (or still searching enough) to remain unemployed for 6 months. Second, if you remember, I back-filled for a friend who was pregnant and taking maternity leave for a fixed time. So, my friend had to be pregnant at the exact moment when I was looking for a job. And, her supervisors had to approve bringing on someone to replace her while she was out. And, she had to tell me about the opening. Third, in June, I had also applied to a city government position. But their hiring process had to be slow enough that I was offered and accepted the temp job first, literally days before receiving a call from the city government asking if I was interested in working there.
Story #2 on providential timing: Several things had to happen for me to get the full time position in February 2013. First, the opening was made available because someone who had been working there for 5+ years decided to move to another job, exactly at the time my temp job was ending and I was looking for a full time position. Second, there was another less attractive job that I was initially offered in late January, but the hiring process for that was delayed for just enough time that I was able to apply for this other position without having to commit. Third, there was an external position that I had applied to in December and I got all the way to the final round of interviews, but the position was given to another person, freeing me to take this job.
Some may say this providential timing. Others may call it plain luck. Either way you look at it, it should give me the motivation to be humble and thankful, because it wasn't because of my concerted planning or deep ambition that things worked out.
This is tangentially related, but I'm reminded of Steve Jobs' famous Stanford Commencement speech of 2005, when he said that you can't "connect the dots" looking forward, you can only "connect the dots" looking backwards.
Jobs didn't know that all these little events and activities early on in his life would prove to be beneficial to him years later. He says that you need a kind of faith to follow your heart and trust that the dots will connect in the future, even when you don't see it connecting in the present. Only with the benefit of hindsight and perspective, can he see how everything fell into place. I think Christians would agree in part with what Jobs had to say. But whereas others may place their faith in an idea like karma or destiny or in trusting their own gut, we Christians place our faith firmly in Christ, someone who is worthy of receiving the full weight of our trust.
Story #1 on providential timing: Several things had to happen for me to get the temp position in August 2012. First, after quitting my job in February 2012, I had to be lazy enough (or still searching enough) to remain unemployed for 6 months. Second, if you remember, I back-filled for a friend who was pregnant and taking maternity leave for a fixed time. So, my friend had to be pregnant at the exact moment when I was looking for a job. And, her supervisors had to approve bringing on someone to replace her while she was out. And, she had to tell me about the opening. Third, in June, I had also applied to a city government position. But their hiring process had to be slow enough that I was offered and accepted the temp job first, literally days before receiving a call from the city government asking if I was interested in working there.
Story #2 on providential timing: Several things had to happen for me to get the full time position in February 2013. First, the opening was made available because someone who had been working there for 5+ years decided to move to another job, exactly at the time my temp job was ending and I was looking for a full time position. Second, there was another less attractive job that I was initially offered in late January, but the hiring process for that was delayed for just enough time that I was able to apply for this other position without having to commit. Third, there was an external position that I had applied to in December and I got all the way to the final round of interviews, but the position was given to another person, freeing me to take this job.
Some may say this providential timing. Others may call it plain luck. Either way you look at it, it should give me the motivation to be humble and thankful, because it wasn't because of my concerted planning or deep ambition that things worked out.
This is tangentially related, but I'm reminded of Steve Jobs' famous Stanford Commencement speech of 2005, when he said that you can't "connect the dots" looking forward, you can only "connect the dots" looking backwards.
Jobs didn't know that all these little events and activities early on in his life would prove to be beneficial to him years later. He says that you need a kind of faith to follow your heart and trust that the dots will connect in the future, even when you don't see it connecting in the present. Only with the benefit of hindsight and perspective, can he see how everything fell into place. I think Christians would agree in part with what Jobs had to say. But whereas others may place their faith in an idea like karma or destiny or in trusting their own gut, we Christians place our faith firmly in Christ, someone who is worthy of receiving the full weight of our trust.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Dignity of Work
I'm going to try to make this post short. "Dignity of work" can mean a variety of things. It's a term used by politicians when discussing the importance of finding work for the unemployed and growing the economy. It's a term used by pastors and theologians to discuss how our vocational callings mesh with our primary calling to serve God and others. It also conveys the idea that there is a dignity to all work. I haven't read enough to know all the meanings; I'm sure there are more.
In December 2012, my pastor Tim Keller was on MSNBC's Morning Joe to publicize his new book "Every Good Endeavor: Connecting Your Work to God's Work". You can see the clip below:
Quotation: "When you make your work your identity, which of course is what we are invited to do in our culture now…you identify with your work, and that means if you are successful it destroys you because it goes to your head. If you are not successful it destroys you because it goes to your heart, and it destroys your self-worth; and what you need with faith is that it gives you an identity that is not in work or accomplishment, and that gives you insulation against the weather changes. So if you are successful you stay humble; if you are not successful you have some ballast…making your work your identity — kind of an idol, to use biblical terminology — is maybe the big sin of New York City."
I never thought of myself struggling with the idolatry of work, mainly because I cared so little about work. In my mind, idolizing your work looked like the guy who works long hours, is constantly away on business, and is constantly thinking about ways to climb the corporate ladder at the expense of his family, his church, and his friends. That isn't me. When I was working in banking, I was never really proud of it. Quite frankly, I felt sort of sheepish. It was something I was a bit apologetic about. "Yeah, I'm the scum of the earth who works in banking and makes tons of money. Sorry. I'm still a genuine Christian, really. Sorry." (Sidebar: I don't really think banking is inherently anti-thetical to a good Christian life. I'm just trying to convey a sentiment.)
But, anyway, a more robust and nuanced understanding of work idolatry is tying your self-worth and identity to work. And in this way, I realized that I probably struggle with it just as much as everyone else. I noticed this, not when I had a job, but when I didn't have one. In the months I was unemployed, there were a few genuine moments where I felt sad and depressed, probably I think, because I felt a lack of self-worth at not having a job. I put it on myself. Paranoid, I perceived to feel it from others.
As people, created in the image of God, we were built to work - to use our unique God-given gifts and talents for his glory and in service to others. And, as Eric Liddell said, to feel God's pleasure. I definitely hope to experience more of this in my new job. To produce excellent work. To manage with a servant-like concern and attitude. To learn with deep curiosity. And to feel God's pleasure.
There is a true dignity to work that is separate from idolatry. I hopefully came out of this process with a better understanding of that. I definitely have a greater appreciation for how easily the unemployed can feel depressed, bitter, resentful, useless, discouraged, etc. Work can be an idol, whether we have have a job or not. Work can be an idol, whether we're working too much, or too little, or even just an average amount of hours. Work can be an idol, whether we use it to think highly of ourselves, or feel depressed about our current station. May God be our God, and work be our servant, to God's glory.
In December 2012, my pastor Tim Keller was on MSNBC's Morning Joe to publicize his new book "Every Good Endeavor: Connecting Your Work to God's Work". You can see the clip below:
I never thought of myself struggling with the idolatry of work, mainly because I cared so little about work. In my mind, idolizing your work looked like the guy who works long hours, is constantly away on business, and is constantly thinking about ways to climb the corporate ladder at the expense of his family, his church, and his friends. That isn't me. When I was working in banking, I was never really proud of it. Quite frankly, I felt sort of sheepish. It was something I was a bit apologetic about. "Yeah, I'm the scum of the earth who works in banking and makes tons of money. Sorry. I'm still a genuine Christian, really. Sorry." (Sidebar: I don't really think banking is inherently anti-thetical to a good Christian life. I'm just trying to convey a sentiment.)
But, anyway, a more robust and nuanced understanding of work idolatry is tying your self-worth and identity to work. And in this way, I realized that I probably struggle with it just as much as everyone else. I noticed this, not when I had a job, but when I didn't have one. In the months I was unemployed, there were a few genuine moments where I felt sad and depressed, probably I think, because I felt a lack of self-worth at not having a job. I put it on myself. Paranoid, I perceived to feel it from others.
As people, created in the image of God, we were built to work - to use our unique God-given gifts and talents for his glory and in service to others. And, as Eric Liddell said, to feel God's pleasure. I definitely hope to experience more of this in my new job. To produce excellent work. To manage with a servant-like concern and attitude. To learn with deep curiosity. And to feel God's pleasure.
There is a true dignity to work that is separate from idolatry. I hopefully came out of this process with a better understanding of that. I definitely have a greater appreciation for how easily the unemployed can feel depressed, bitter, resentful, useless, discouraged, etc. Work can be an idol, whether we have have a job or not. Work can be an idol, whether we're working too much, or too little, or even just an average amount of hours. Work can be an idol, whether we use it to think highly of ourselves, or feel depressed about our current station. May God be our God, and work be our servant, to God's glory.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
FT Job Offer Received and Accepted
It's been almost six months since I last updated this blog. Just wanted to bring some sort of closure to the "job search" aspect of this blog and provide an update to my readers. Since September 2012, I'd been working as a temporary employee at a sports entertainment company. The contract was for a fixed time until roughly early February 2013. Around mid-December with the end of my contract looming, I started formally looking around for full-time positions both inside and outside the company. I went through the interview process for a few openings and was recently offered a permanent full-time manager position at the company I temped at, but with a different group. I accepted the offer and will begin working in early March. Again, I chose not to blog about the specific aspects of the job search as I was going through it but hope to discuss it in a little more detail later when it's more appropriate.
I'm very excited to have a full-time permanent job; I'll be getting paid a reasonable entry-level MBA salary. I'm also pretty excited about this specific position because it is at the intersection of corporate finance, digital media, and sports entertainment. It ties into my background and education (finance), but also addresses my affinity (sports) as well as learning about a new area (digital media). It is really a great position, so I feel very thankful to start it.
It's been a little over a year since I quit my banking job and last had a non-contract job. It's amazing to see and personally experience how things worked out. Over the next few days/weeks, I want to try to force myself to write a few more blog entries on some lessons learned or other reflections from over the past year. I think this will help me process everything I went through. Mainly, I hope it'll be a benefit to me so that I can look back and remember, but also, I hope it can serve to benefit others who may stumble onto this site and read it from start to finish. I feel like this blog would be incomplete unless I put some kind of closure to it, since it was always meant to be temporary and chronicle just a set time period of my life.
A few specific topics I'd like to reflect on in the coming days are: providential timing, importance of reputation, the power of hope, taking risks, dignity of work, work/life balance, etc. Looking forward to going through the debrief together.
I'm very excited to have a full-time permanent job; I'll be getting paid a reasonable entry-level MBA salary. I'm also pretty excited about this specific position because it is at the intersection of corporate finance, digital media, and sports entertainment. It ties into my background and education (finance), but also addresses my affinity (sports) as well as learning about a new area (digital media). It is really a great position, so I feel very thankful to start it.
It's been a little over a year since I quit my banking job and last had a non-contract job. It's amazing to see and personally experience how things worked out. Over the next few days/weeks, I want to try to force myself to write a few more blog entries on some lessons learned or other reflections from over the past year. I think this will help me process everything I went through. Mainly, I hope it'll be a benefit to me so that I can look back and remember, but also, I hope it can serve to benefit others who may stumble onto this site and read it from start to finish. I feel like this blog would be incomplete unless I put some kind of closure to it, since it was always meant to be temporary and chronicle just a set time period of my life.
A few specific topics I'd like to reflect on in the coming days are: providential timing, importance of reputation, the power of hope, taking risks, dignity of work, work/life balance, etc. Looking forward to going through the debrief together.
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